The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

My Wife Cheated And Stole From Our Daughter, But If I Don't Help Her She Might End Up Homeless

Hello everyone,

Writing this on mobile, please forgive formatting errors.

I was in a decade-long relationship with the person mentioned in the title, we have a child together who is in 1st grade.

Recently, I'd discovered she was siphoning from our daughter's money I would put away every month (school fees and savings) as well as using her salary to fund expensive hotel/guesthouse stays with one of her employees under the guise of "work". I called her out on this as soon as I'd found out and her new guy's reaction was to send people to my house (she gave him the address, I would later find out) to "clean up everybody living in it" for lack of better terms. I wouldn't include this if not a necessary part of the story, please forgive if it treads any lines with the sub rules. Her reaction to that? I antagonized him by confronting her so no foul in her book, I am blowing it out of proportion despite multiple voice notes and text messages.

I kicked her out of the house due to obvious danger in this and her new guy cannot help her with a place to stay. Without giving too much away, she earns less than half of what I do and he earns a quarter of what she does. She's currently couch surfing around her friends'/relatives' places while he allegedly lives with his mother in a studio apartment.

Recently, she's contacted me to ask me to co-sign on a lease with her as she doesn't have any other options and while I want to help her because I care about her, I also feel she has made her own bed and should lay in it alone (or with that guy).

The consequence of all this up and down is that legally, he's not allowed anywhere near our daughter anymore so the two of them moving in together would likely mean she cannot see our daughter anywhere that isn't neutral ground because I don't want her at my place. She knows this and this is partially why she asked for my help as if the other guy signs with her, he will want to move in with her.

Should I feel bad and help her out? Should I tell her this is her doing and leave her to her own devices? Terribly conflicted... what do I do, guys?

I believe I speak for everyone when I say that the child comes first, not this grown woman. Choosing a guy who lives with his mom in a studio? Fine. But knowing about his planned attack on your home? That's real next-level sh*t, and explains how she stole money from her own daughter without blinking. She's indifferent to her daughter and you, so let her family handle her, and don't sign that lease, you'll just end up responsible for missed rent. Let her live out that romance fantasy and enjoy cuddling at night in the one bed they can fit in there. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Wife Never Wants To Have Sex Anymore

My wife (F41) talks about sex and intimacy sometimes during the day while I (M36) am at work. It gets me riled up and then it almost never happens. She does have health problems; epilepsy, insulin resistance; thyroid problems etc. But the longer we have been married the more it seems she is less interested in me. Before anyone says anything I know she is not cheating on me without any doubt. She just has no desire. From the men AND women’s point of view, what can I do to help her be in the mood or stay in the mood? And what should I do about the sometimes long dry spells?

Update: Last night we did have sex and glorious as usual she has said many times that the inability overrules the desire and she wants to more often so I guess the countdown is reset

Summarizing his follow-up comments, it's important to note that he's living in a house full of kids, money is tight and his wife considers masturbation cheating. On a related note, I once experienced a situation where a friend's dad accidentally showed me the open porn on his phone. This was a guy with a nice house, a corporate job, and who had been married for about three decades. Listen, we really need to move past this taboo around masturbation because, as you can see, even the most seemingly conservative people are engaging in it. So honestly, man, you either need to have a serious conversation with your wife about it, or find a creative outlet to release this unnecessary stress from your life. For what? Just so you can proudly proclaim to other adults that you've never masturbated if ever asked? Trust me, nobody really cares. Read the rest of the thread here.

Is My Boyfriend (25M) Gay And Using Homophobia To Cover It?

So my boyfriend 25M has quite a few sexual desires. This will be a pretty TMI post. I apologize in advance.

He likes the D in his behind. I went it his place and he has different types of toys. D*ck toys. And he has one that's is as long as my hand. I'm 5'8. So my hands are pretty long.

He talks about how he likes the taste of his D. But then, he what it seems to me like overcompensation. He talks down on same sex couples.

Every little thing he say "nah that's gay as F*ck" "No this is gay". He uses gay as an insult. And I'm like what are you? 12? It's ridiculous.

I was watching middle ground on YouTube about gay, lesbians. They were talking about some interesting topics. And he was like "Never watch such gay things again infront of me". "I hate that why will you be watching it". "I'm not gay".

He likes to say he's not gay quite often when he talks about his D toys and how he uses them.

Not to be stereotypical but he move his body a little "fruity". He has those stereotypical traits of a gay man.

I have no issues with the gay community at all. I'm just wondering, hoping I'm not his cover up or something. Idk I have a strange feeling about this.

EDIT: forgot to add, he has asked me to peg him. I said no cause I don't feel comfortable doing so. I'm a woman

With masculinity, sometimes guys are so picked apart and ridiculed that they develop post-traumatic stress towards anything that challenges theirs. Sometimes, it can be challenging seeing other people living their lives without this struggle. It's crazy to think you might be the first girl he's opened up to like this. Honestly, that's more encouraging then being bitter, or in denial. But sadly, he is bitter and you don't need a gaydar to realize you don't enjoy sex with him, and that he doesn't let you be. Listen to the comments and move on. Also, for any straight guy struggling because they're into pegging, listen, nobody cares. We are all too busy pinching pennies for rent and melting in global warming, seriously. Read the rest of the thread here.

On Paper My (25F) Boyfriend (30M) Is Perfect. But Why Do I Feel Like Something Is Missing?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. On paper he's basically perfect -- he is sweet and expresses affection often. He's attentive and asks how I am, the sex is great and it usually focuses all on me and what I want. He's well educated and well read. He has a steady job where he makes a lot of money (the stability is the good part, not the money), owns his house, isn't in debt, financially secure. He grooms himself and knows how to dress. He keeps a clean place, loves doing laundry, and is a great cook. He's vocal that he wants to marry me and have kids with me. We hang out together and eat bad food on the couch, we travel together, he gives me thoughtful gifts and works hard to impress my parents. He tells me I'm beautiful even when I look gross. He makes me laugh, buys me flowers, and supports me doing whatever I want with my life and chasing my dreams.

I know I sound crazy. But it still feels on some level like we don't really click. Like we can talk and hang out, but he doesn't "get" me in the way that my friends or family does. Sometimes conversations are difficult or it feels like pulling teeth. I don't really feel understood. I think that he supports me in my dreams but I don't know if he believes in me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just having to fit into his life and not the other way around. I worry that if I move in or have kids I'm just going to be subsumed into his life story. I'm very independent and this is a challenging thought for me. Is it wrong of me to stay if I'm not totally sure? Or am I being young or dumb and would I be letting a great guy get away from me?

TL;DR My boyfriend is basically perfect on paper. But I don't feel like he really gets me or understands me.

Nobody show this to Andrew Tate or any other bros. Real talk though, it's okay to just want to be friends with the dude. Honestly, let him go, and find somebody you click with. Listen, from what we gather from you and the comments, you want someone who speaks your secret language. Sadly, the only way to find that is by being authentic with someone. Right now, you're not being authentic with him. Consider this: what if all those times you called "pulling teeth" were actually some of the best moments of his life? Neither of you deserve to be dragged through this any longer. I'll end this week's column with a new saying, "Putting off healing won't prevent a scar." Now, can somebody put that on a pillow so I can sell it in the Digg.com store, please? Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Anna Shvets]